A place to hold my agenda and pens.
I’m stuck because I don’t know if what I do will actually work. That’s why I haven’t made any progress in my life because I get paralyzed at the thought that what I put my time in could be a waste of time.
I hate wasting time.
I’ve let my home pile up and become unmanageable- because if I put organizational systems in place and they don’t work- that to me means I’ve wasted time.
I’ve not set limits or disciplined my children- because if I put time and effort in and they still act up…. then I’ve wasted time
I’ve not picked a career path and focused on it- just in case it didn’t go anywhere. Which has resulted in 12 unpublished children’s books that are collecting dust.
I’ve started- 8 websites and blogs with so much enthusiasm only to quit. No followers to me equaled a waste of time.
Etc etc etc.
Everything in my life as been based on if it is a waste of time or not- which is ridiculous because logically I know there is a learning curve, and many hours need to be put in before becoming proficient.
But I can’t seem to push myself to follow my logical side instead of my emotional side.
Everything thus far in my life has been led by emotions- parenting especially. If I allow my kids to make me feel bad- well they end up getting their way- even though I KNOW that is a terrible response and I’m pretty much screwing up daily.
How to change?
It’s been 10 years I think it’s pretty safe to say I have no friggen clue.
I’ve read 100+ personal Development books and yet I still can’t seem to push past my emotions.
Maybe it is time to put a plan on paper then push through regardless of my momentary feelings.
If only I knew it would work and wouldn’t be a waste of time.
To slide and to roll
Grass stains and holes in the pants
Meaning of summer
His eyes bulged as soon as he walked in the door. He placed his bag down and tip toed into the living room lest he wake the sleeping kids.
Curtains galore hung in the living room separating it into three distinct areas.
He nodded his approval, but, all the while hiding his sadness. A sadness that came from the knowledge of not being able to provide more, do more, become more for his family then he was already.
His wife smiled softly, proud of her ability to make things better with what little they had. She longed for more but struggled daily with an all consuming guilt. Her kids were her world and while that was a beautiful thing she was not able to provide, to help better their lives.
A double edge sword being a stay at home mother, with the focus one hundred percent on her kids.
Was the pay off worth it? were they any happier than others?
As she looked around the room she realized that no they weren’t happier, she split the room because of constant fights between siblings and the need to get away from each other.
Her kids weren’t happier, they were more unhappy than ever and chose to show her by destroying the home and each other.
She took a deep sigh of relief then scanned over the information again. A small smile spread across her face as she realized she wasn’t crazy after all.
For years her horoscope always felt a bit off, not quite right- something was amiss and she couldn’t place her finger on it.
Then it hit her- she found out her degrees were wrong so inevitably the interpretation would never be accurate. No amount of good intuition could predict a horoscope that had been calculated wrong from the get-go.
Now that she has recalculated she feels at home. Safe in the knowledge that what she felt to be true, her truth in life- was indeed her truth; both in mind and on paper.
Now real change can begin.
The noodles were left half prepared yet ignored on the counter. The little girls scream could not be soothed.
Her little curls no longer bounced instead they lay limp and moist from sweat.
She trembled in her mothers arms as her reality gained another level of sophistication. A level she was not prepared to handle.
The building loomed before the little girl, her cries soothed but her eyes still damp to the touch.
She was brave on the outside but the little shiver that escaped painted the picture.
The automatic doors opened to reveal white walls with splashes of kid approved art, a distraction to lessen the anxiety.
The woman in white approached, kind with a soothing voice.
“What happened sweetie?”
The little girl raised her hand, “ouch”
When you touch a hot stove element, ouch indeed.
Crash! Her heart stopped. A tense ache in her gut told her it was bad, but her feet didn’t move.
She sent her husband in, calm and collected he looked at the drapes that lay scattered about the floor beneath the small boy.
Tears stained his face, and nothing but moans were escaping his rosy lips.
The day he learned curtains are not for hanging on.
The goose egg on his head began to grow as the little boy was placed in his mothers arms.
She tending his wounds and shook her head.
“If you don’t listen to me son, life will always have a way to tell you.”
He nodded, he didn’t like it. But you can’t argue with life.